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Tag:Carolina Panthers
Posted on: November 5, 2011 9:34 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:45 am
 

D.P. Week 8 NFL Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

The comebacks continue in the NFL.  This week saw yet another 20+ point halftime lead evaporate, and as typical, the collapse was provided by one of our permanent residents here in the D.P. Flop 10 (although not Minnesota).  Also, another odd fact about this year's NFL, NINETEEN teams are sporting winning records.  With 19 teams above .500, that means only 13 are below .500.  And that, the D.P. admits, makes voting easier than usual.  Those were the only 13 teams that garnered any votes, and even one of those very few and will likely disappear with a victory this week.  That team?  Longtime resident, the dream team of the Philadelphia Eagles.  It appears they may have awoken from the nightmare.  So here, without further adieu, are the D.P.'s worst of the worst in the NFL through 8 weeks.  Oh, and it's actually 11 teams this week as we had a tie for 10th.  Also, the Eagles were the only team to say goodbye, while welcoming in both the Cowboys and Browns at that tied 10th spot.  And after this week's games, the D.P. will unveil their official NFL playoff predictions.

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Philadelphia Eagles 8 (Bobby Duffy of the Dallas Ewing Journal opines, "Suddenly the best of the NFC East not named the New York Giants, which speaks to how bad the Cowboys and Redskins are."), Washington Redskins 37 (Terry Baldinger of the Phoenix Ashes-to-Ashes notes, "If Donovan McNabb truly feels he should still be a starter in the NFL, he should have made sure not to get himself run out of D.C.")

Number 10(tie) Dallas Cowboys (3-4) 60 Teresa Frey of the Allegheny Blue Collar points out, "How 'bout them Cowboys?  When will Jerry Jones realize that a puppet at the head coaching post will not work?  His only success came with the likes of Jimmy Johnson and Bill Parcells."

Number 10(tie) Cleveland Browns (3-4) 60 Carl Worthless of the Cleveland Rockin' Roller writes, "Everytime it seems the Browns are about to turn the corner, they make a u-turn instead.  Is it possible for a Madden Curse to affect a whole team?"

Number 9 Minnesota Vikings (2-6) 142 Jerry Freidman of the Milwaukee Daily Brat surmises, "The Vikings only wins this year have come against 2 win Carolina and 1 win Arizona.  This would usually earn you a spot much higher on the ballot, but the bad teams in the NFL this year are just SO horrible."

Number 8 Carolina Panthers (2-6) 156 Nicholas Formation of the Rajun Cajun Gazette states, "Cam Newton has been able to mask that this defense just isn't that good.  They have to put W's together, or they'll find themselves moving up a chart they don't want to move up on.  Olindo Mare didn't help matters this week, either."

Number 7 Seattle Seahawks (2-5) 218 Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable wonders, "If Tarvaris Jackson gives himself an 'F' for his play so far this season, exactly what grade does Charlie Whitehurst earn?"

Number 6 Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) 324 Ima Jerk of the Oakland (Ca) Blackhole reports, "One thing that has been consistent for the Jaguars all year long, even in their stunning victory over the Ravens last week, is that Blaine Gabbert and the offense look lost.  They average the fewest points scored per game in the league.  It's hard to win that way."

Number 5 Denver Broncos (2-5) 372 Wilma Burlington of the San Diego Onion ponders, "So, when will fans start booing Tim Tebow and clamoring for Brady Quinn to take over the team.  Unfortunately 'We want Brady' just isn't the same when you're not asking for Tom."

Number 4 St. Louis Rams (1-6) 456 Bull Lee of the New Orleans Times-Piconyou pushes the notion, "The pitiful Rams exposed the even more pitiful New Orleans Saints' offensive line.  Chris Long looked like father Howie had thrown his jersey on."

Number 3 Arizona Cardinals (1-6) 507 Michael Harness of the New Jersey Shores News-to-me says, "For one half, the Ravens offense made the Cardinals defense look like the Ravens defense.  For the other half, the Cardinals defense made the Ravens offense look like the Packers offense."

Number 2 Miami Dolphins (0-7) 592 (7) Amanda Passenkick of the Miami Beach Spotlight tells us, "Miami is the hardest playing 0-7 team, and not just because they are the only one.  Still, they have to figure out how to stop snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  Unfortunately it's the sign of a team that hasn't learned how to win, yet."

Number 1 Indianapolis Colts (0-8) 643 (58) Hugh Nevins of the Indianapolis Reaction laments, "After playing the Steelers and the Buccaneers tough, Curtis Painter now goes out week after week and produces a Suck For Luck masterpiece,  It's obvious this defense can't play without a lead, and they won't be getting very many of those this year."

D.P. Archives:
11/3/11 NBA Owners Hire Patrick Ewing For P.R. In Lockout
11/1/11 Todd Haley Invited To Remedial Math Class
10/26/11 D.P. NFL Week 7 Flop 10 Poll
10/23/11 D.P. NFL Week 6 Flop 10 Poll
10/22/11 D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again


Posted on: October 26, 2011 12:57 am
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:27 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 7 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

After an interesting week 7 that saw yet more teams come back from 10+ halftime deficits, you also had such high flying shootouts as the Cleveland Browns versus the Seattle Seahawks and the Monday Night debacle that could only be classified as football because of the punters, Josh Scobee, and Maurice Jones-Drew putting it around after his 20 drops.  How miserable was it?  Just three of Scobee's kicks outdistanced the ENTIRE Ravens offense.  Making it hard this week is the fact that only 15 teams in the NFL have a record of 3-3 or worse.  That means 17 teams possess winning records at the moment.  Anyway, this week we finally bid adieu to former permanent resident the Kansas City Chiefs, and last week's newcomer Cleveland.  They make way to welcome back familiar faces, the Philadelphia Eagles, and the Seattle Seahawks.  And now, the Disassociated Press proudly presents, the week 7 NFL's Flop 10.

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Tennessee Titans 3 (Matthew Newsome of the Nashville Distiller laments, "It's bad enough that Chris Johnson has that huge new contract holding him back, but one of this team's bright spots so far this season, their defense, was suddenly eclipsed."), Kansas City Chiefs 7 (Pyle O'Pooh of the Fulton County Fullofit notes, "It's both disheartening and encouraging at the same time that the defense scored as many points as the offense.  The reason rumors were swirling of Carson Palmer getting the nod for the Raiders despite not playing in a year was not because they wanted to see what they got for two high draft picks, but because they knew what they didn't have in Kyle Boller."), Washington Redskins 15 (Thadeus Party of the D.C. Republicrat wonders, "If the answers are John Beck and Rex Grossman, do you really want to know the question?"), Cleveland Browns 56 (Leslie Bianchi of the Sacramento Wasp points out, "Each team in this contest scored a point for about every 7 minutes of ball possession, with the Browns holding just over a 2 to 1 edge.  The Saints scored a point for about every minute on the game clock ... by themselves.")

Number 10 - Philadelphia Eagles (2-4) 72 Pierre LaRoche of the Toronto Maple Syrup informs us, "You almost feel bad for the Eagles.  I mean, they didn't lose.  But then again, teams 'above' them not only not lost, but won."

Number 9 - Carolina Panthers (2-5) 102 Bull Lee of the New Orleans Times-Piconyou states, "Managed to stay off a lot of ballots early by losing close and exciting.  Will leave more ballots if they put together back-to-back wins."

Number 8 - Denver Broncos (2-4) 205 Arthur Pendragon of the San Diego Round Table says, "John Fox needs to get over the fact that he inherited Tim Tebow and find out just what he has.  Lost in Tebow's horrid performance for the first 55 minutes, was the nearly equally horrid playcalling that had the kid handcuffed worse than a capital murderer.  If Tebow is going to be damned, he needs to be damned for what he is, not what the coaching staff is forcing him to not be."

Number 7 - Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5) 249 Erin Livingston of the Houston Chronically Misinformed says, "Nothing says inept quite like the fact that I had as many first downs as the Ravens offense in the first half.  Jacksonville rode this and overcame M.J.D.'s fumbleitis to a stunning win against what many thought was a top 5 team."

Number 6 - Seattle Seahawks (2-4) 271 Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable writes, "Last week I pointed out the winner of the Browns versus Seahawks game would be 3-3 and likely out of the Flop 10.  Well, in a game where neither team played like a winner, they both remained on my ballot."

Number 5 - Minnesota Vikings (1-6) 402 Albert Letterman of the Minneapolis Metro-Gnome proclaims, "Stop me if you've heard this one before.  So the Vikings walk into a locker room with a halftime lead ..."

Number 4 - Arizona Cardinals (1-5) 433 Emily Hirschbeck of the Philadelphia Perspirer opines, "Just imagine how much worse the Eagles would be if they hadn't jettisoned Kevin Kolb."

Number 3 - Miami Dolphins (0-6) 535 (5) Bill Crosby of the Windy City Gale-ery professes, "On a team full of celebrity minority owners, it figures the season would play out like a soap opera.  Now Tony Sparano is left twisting and turning worse than he did during owner Stephen Ross' ill-conceived effort to get Jim Harbaugh.  It's now likely a matter of time before they cut ties."

Number 2 - St. Louis Rams (0-6) 592 (15) Robert Moss of the Archway Journal pens, "Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, as Josh McDaniels proudly presents, 'The Lamest Show On Turf.'  Yes, witness an offense so offensive, that a 10 point performance earns a spot right in between the bearded lady and the one-eyed man."

Number 1 - Indianapolis Colts (0-7) 633 (45) Doc Tor-Jones of the Indy Snakeoil Gazette chimes in, "The only thing missing from the Colts performance Sunday night, other than their entire defense ... and offense, was Dan Orlovsky running out of the back of the endzone."

D.P. Archives:
10/23/11 D.P. NFL Week 6 Flop 10 Poll
10/22/11 D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again


Posted on: October 23, 2011 11:59 am
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:24 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 6 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

With the Week 7 kickoffs rapidly approaching, the D.P. is proud to unveil the results of its Week 6 Flop 10 Poll as we work vigorously to catch up from lost time due to our production strike.  The Week 6 Poll does feature two new teams, which means we say goodbye to twice victors the Seattle Seahawks and the Philadelphia Eagles.  However, losses in the upcoming weeks could easily see them back inside.  As we say goodbye to two long standing members of the NFL's not-so-elite, we bid welcome to newcomers the Carolina Panthers and the Cleveland Browns.  The Panthers losing close games finally caught up with them as voters could no longer ignore their 1-5 record.  So here it is, the best of the NFL's worst after week 6.

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Dallas Cowboys 6 (Keith Montgomery of the Ft. Worth Bigger Ledger points out, "Jerry Jones is a mess.  First, he gets on Jason Garrett for not being conservative enough against the Lions.  Now he says Garrett was too conservative against the Patriots.  Jerry obviously wants to have his cake, and eat it as well.  Pick one or the other, and I tend to lean towards the Lions loss being more Garrett's fault."), Philadelphia Eagles 27 (Jeff Ashby of the Buffalo Falls reports, "I'm sure the the Eagles big divisional victory over the Washington Redskins will be enough to take them off most people's ballots.  When I see this team, though, I still don't see a team capable of beating one that makes only half the mistakes Washington did, much less one that plays mistake free."), Seattle Seahawks 59 (Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable opines, "Hard to believe the winner of the Seahawks versus Browns game this week will be .500, and likely out of the Flop 10.")

Number 10 - Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) 69 Jason LaPointe of the Boston Heraldry writes, "Hard to believe that after three weeks, this looked like the worst team in the NFL.  As others continue to perform even more poorly, the Chiefs may soon find themselves off most ballots."

Number 9 - Cleveland Browns (2-3) 97 Stacy Billingsly of the Lexington Post Position pens, "Harder for Browns fans to swallow than river water is the fact that Andy Dalton and A.J. Green have led the Cincinnati Bengals to a 4-2 mark."

Number 8 - Denver Broncos (1-4) 217 Dan Freeman of the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Gazette says, "The ultimate insult to the Dolphins would be if Tim Tebow leads the Broncos to victory on 2008 Gator National Championship day ... in the home of 'The U.'"

Number 7 - Carolina Panthers (1-5) 223 Stan Ledger of the Charlotte Observatory chimes in, "It is amazing how much Cam Newton has masked the fact that, quite frankly, this Panthers team isn't very good.  One of those best of the worst scenarios."

Number 6 - Minnesota Vikings (1-5) 274 Jessica Addison of the St. Paul Twin Cities Daily Journal laments, "Donovan McNabb has forced Leslie Frazier's hand, and the Christian Ponder era has begun.  The only good thing you could say about the Vikings loss to the Chicago Bears was that this time they didn't have a halftime lead to blow."

Number 5 - Arizona Cardinals (1-4) 357 James Washington of the Baltimore Crabber states, "Not only has this team looked flat out bad, but they've managed to do it against the worst adjusted strength of schedule in the league.  It takes a truly pathetic team to lose against losers."

Number 4 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5) 486 (3) Wilma Burlington of the San Diego Onion proclaims, "When do you get excited about getting a player who wasn't good enough for the St. Louis Rams?  When you're the Jacksonville Jaguars, that's when.  Mike Sims-Walker at least knows the offense, which is a plus (I guess), but doesn't have a rapport with quarterback Blaine Gabbert.  Wait, that's not a minus, nobody does on that team."

Number 3 - Indianapolis Colts (0-6) 581 (20) Scott Johnston of the Tampa Post-Dispatch states, "At this point in the season, it is really becoming hard to tell which of the three abominations is truly the worst of the NFL.  I'm sure some will vote the Colts as the de facto since they are the only 0-6 team, but all that means is they haven't had their bye, yet."

Number 2 - Miami Dolphins (0-5) 585 (18) Amanda Passenkick of the Miami Beach Spotlight notes, "Speculation here is that if the Dolphins lose to the Broncos, it will be the final straw for coach Tony Sparano.  Hope he has his resume brushed up.  Even if the Dolphins win, it may be their only one, as this appears to be the easiest game on their remaining schedule."

Number 1 - St. Louis Rams (0-5) 594 (24) Roger Vinson of the Detroit Dollar Press-Union ponders, "I wonder if they make vitamins to help cure red-zone deficiency?  I've never seen a team come away with fewer points inside the opponents twenty that what the Rams pulled against the Green Bay Packers.  Josh McDaniels, eat your heart out pull your hair out."

D.P. Archives:
10/22/11 D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

Posted on: October 22, 2011 8:48 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:20 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

Now that the D.P. has settled some in house issues, we proudly bring you right before the Week 7 games are about to be played ... the results of our Week 5 Flop 10 Poll.  This week, we feature absolutely no new members of our exclusive club of suckiness, however, we do have major shuffling within the ten teams, including one who remarkably fell 7 spots not by beating the Patriots or some juggernaut, but a fellow Flop 10 member.  Anyway, without further adieu (especially since this is a week and a half late), the Week 5 edition of the NFL Flop 10.

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2 (Jerry Friedman of the Milwaukee Daily Brat poses, "How do you vote for a team that is 3-2 you ask?  By watching that team get blown out by 45 points after struggling against the Colts, that's how."), Cleveland Browns 18 (Mary Weatherby of the Cleveland Shady Dealer states, "The Browns fell on my ballot this week, but that was only because they didn't play."), Atlanta Falcons 45 (Nicholas Formation of the Rajun Cajun Gazette quips, "If this team loses to the Panthers next week, I expect to see them crack the overall Flop 10."), Carolina Panthers 80 (Samantha King of the Denver Mile High Snooze opines, "You have to give the Panthers credit.  They'd crack an NFL Top 10 Poll of interesting and exciting teams.  Eventually, though, they have to start translating some of these into W's.")

Number 10 - Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) 91
Nancy Holderman of the Green Bay Times proposes, "Two wins in a row has nearly washed away the stench of the Chiefs horrible start.  Nearly.  Unfortunately those three losses were so bad, they remain a Flop 10 team."

Number 9 - Minnesota Vikings (1-4) 143 Larry Masterson of the Washington (D.C.) Monumental Press decries, "Stop the presses!  The Vikings held on to a halftime lead.  Next thing you'll tell me is that Congress lowered the deficit."

Number 8 - Seattle Seahawks (2-3) 156 Morgan Wexler of the San Francisco Seismic Monitor wonders, "Hard to imagine a team with Tarvaris Jackson as a staring QB being capable of winning 40% of its games."

Number 7 - Denver Broncos (1-4) 180
Lisa Trombetti of the Chicago Moon Times writes, "John Fox had been avoiding Tim Tebow like the plague all season long, as though afflicted by Josh McDaniels Syndrome.  But now, Kyle Orton has forced his hand, and they now look silly not dealing him to the Dolphins this preseason when he had value."

Number 6 - Philadelphia Eagles (1-4) 294 Emily Hirschbeck of the Philadelphia Perspirer claims, "The nightmare season for the Dream Team continues, proving once again that fantasy football only works amongst 12 drunk friends."

Number 5 - Arizona Cardinals (1-4) 381 Eric Xavier of the Houston Cowboy ponders, "I guess the only difference between Derrick Anderson and Kevin Kolb is that Kolb doesn't laugh on the sidelines as he's being blown out."

Number 4 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4) 481 (1) Stanley Ulrich of the Pittsburgh Steel Miner reports, "One has to wonder how many more days or losses it will take Jack Del Rio to be sent down the river.  This team continues to play as though it's up ****-creek without a paddle."

Number 3 - Indianapolis Colts (0-5) 538 (14) Amanda Passenkick of the Miami Beach Spotlight laments, "I almost feel bad voting the Colts first, especially since they've shown life after Curtis Painter began starting, but if you look at the hard numbers, the fact is the Colts have lost by worse margins against worse opponents than the Dolphins."

Number 2 - Miami Dolphins (0-4) 545 (13) Terrance Cooper of the Atlanta Dirty South Press points out, "How bad is it for the Miami Dolphins?  By far the worse team remaining on their schedule is the Denver Broncos.  Could the Detroit Lions have company in the 0-16 club?"

Number 1 - St. Louis Rams (0-4) 621 (37) Johnathan Lumpkin of the Los Angeles Periodical says, "This team is so bad, they somehow managed to look horrible on their bye week."

D.P. Archives:
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again





Posted on: October 4, 2011 10:22 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:10 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

After an exciting week 4 of NFL action in which two NFC East teams blew 20 point leads, this week's Flop 10 poll features some shuffling, but not much checking in or checking out.  The only team leaving is the Cincinnati Bengals, and they are being replaced by the Arizona Cardinals.  So, without further ado, the unveiling of the NFL Week 4 Flop 10*

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Atlanta Falcons 1 (Rachel Montgomery of the Tacoma Mountain Press offers, "Sorry, but any team who nearly makes Tarvaris Jackson look like a hero maintains a Top 10 spot."), Carolina Panthers 11 (Scott Johnston of the Tampa Post-Dispatch chimes, "Have you ever seen a fan base more excited over a 1-3 team?  It looks like the wins should start coming, just don't know if it will be this year."), Cleveland Browns 26 (Thomas Hudson of the Cincinnati Inquisitioner opines, "I tried pulling the ol' appendicitis to get more money trick with my boss.  Like Peyton Hillis, all it got me was a reduced work load and tighter deadlines.")

Number 10 - Arizona Cardinals (1-3) 54 Shelly Kingston of the Glendale Republic writes, "Victor Cruz giving himself up was nothing compared to the Cardinals defense giving themselves up on the last drive of the game."

Number 9 - Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) 118 Henry Ebert of the San Jose Venus Flytrap states, "For blowing a 20 point lead against the San Francisco 49ers, the Philadelphia Eagles win the NFL first quarter most overhyped team award.  The way that defense is playing, Cream Team might have been a more apropos moniker for them."

Number 8 - Seattle Seahawks (1-3) 204 Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable proclaims, "Scored nearly half of their season point total against the Falcons, which is more of an indicator of the Falcons defense than the capabilities of this team."

Number 7 - Denver Broncos (1-3) 245 Samantha King of the Denver Mile High Snooze reports, "Last week I gave the definition of insanity and applied it to some of coach John Fox's playcalling.  Now I will talk about patterns.  This week, when asked about using the Tim Tebow package in short yardage, Fox responded, 'That, and we did it once and we lost yardage.  That wasn’t all on him by any stretch, but it didn’t prove to be beneficial, so we went in a different direction.'  Um, coach, one time does not a pattern make.  However running 6 times and gaining 5 yards in a crucial drive against the Titans does a pattern make.  Kyle Orton's shaky play has done nothing to quell the Broncos faithful from calling for Tebow.  If Fox doesn't get things moving in the right direction, the next thing Broncos fans will call for, is the coach's head."

Number 6 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3) 326 Larry Ewing of the Jacksonville Gator Times wonders, "Cutting David Garrard right before the season started now appears to be the last act of a desperate man.  Jack Del Rio might soon find his saddle blazing, and the axe falling."

Number 5 - Indianapolis Colts (0-4) 422 Paul Robisky of the St. Petersburg Senior Ledger confesses, "Last week I claimed Curtis Painter would need to produce the Sistine Chapel for the Colts.  While his performance was not museum worthy, it wasn't refrigerator worthy either.  The Colts offense at least more closely resembled the Colts offense of old.  Still, take away two big plays by Pierre Garcon, and Painter had a rough go of it, especially in crunch time.  With the game on the line, Josh Freeman excelled and Curtis crumbled.  Next week's game against the Kansas City Chiefs might be their best shot at exiting the 'Suck for Luck' sweepstakes for a while."

Number 4 - Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) 425 Rob Stone of the Kansas City Constitution notes, "Take heart, Minnesota Vikings fans.  At least you didn't blow a halftime lead this time.  Baby steps.  Baby steps.  Still, this team does not resemble anything that could win another division title."

Number 3 - Miami Dolphins (0-4) 548 (14) Paul Kennedy of the Long Island Register says, "How does that song of theirs go?  'Miami Dolphins.  Miami Dolphins.  Miami Dolphins really suck?'  Owner Stephen Ross gave the dreaded vote of confidence to head coach Tony Sparano saying, 'He remains the right coach for this team.'  Yeah, if you're planning on throwing this year away to draft Andrew Luck to replace Chad Henne."

Number 2 - Minnesota Vikings (0-4) 591 (22) Jessica Addison of the St. Paul Twin Cities Daily Journal laments, "As the old adage in professional wrestling goes, in order to be the man, you have to beat the man.  Well, the Vikings are clearly the worst team in the NFL after outsucking the Kansas City Chiefs who were being outscored by an average of just over 27 points per game before getting their first 'W' of the season.  Coach Leslie Frazier needs to seriously Ponder if it's not the correct time to bench Donovan McNabb, or relieve Bill Musgrave of some of his responsibilities.  Even Mike Martz figured out the balance thing this week.  The Vikings still haven't in 4."

Number 1 - St. Louis Rams (0-4) 601 (29) Tim Danielson of the Denver Journal points out, "At least Broncos fans can take some small solace in seeing how much Josh McDaniels is setting Sam Bradford back."

D.P. Archives:
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

Posted on: September 27, 2011 8:57 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:11 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 3 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

So, here it is after week 3 of the NFL season, and while our more popular cousins give you the Top 25 in college football, we here at the D.P. realized the need for there to be a Poll for professional football.  Sure, most everything is decided on the field, but still there's that gray area of who really is better, the Green Bay Packers, or the Detroit Lions.  Well, you'll be getting none of that from us, as instead, we bring you those 10 teams who are the ones most capable of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  And to the bottom two teams of this week's poll, I hear the ACC is still looking to expand.  So here they are, the NFL's Week 3 Flop 10*

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Carolina Panthers 6 (Jason Bolin of the Boston Hemisphere writes "This week the Panthers proved they could win dirty, by actually playing in that mudhole after the monsoon blew through), Atlanta Falcons 9 (Scott Johnston of the Tampa Post-Dispatch chimes, "Maybe Rich McKay can institute rules changes next year that will allow Matt Ryan to legally throw while his butt is in contact with the turf"), Chicago Bears 34 (Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable opines, "I've seen better balance displayed by someone blowing a .10 on a D.U.I. stop than I've seen from the Bears offense this year.")

Number 10 - Denver Broncos (1-2) 65 Samantha King of the Denver Mile High Snooze reports, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.  Maybe somebody can explain that to John Fox who after being gifted the ball deep in Tennessee territory and a first down via an offsides penalty, executes 7 plays, one incompletion, and 6 Willis McGahee runs for 5 yards, the last of which was him being stuffed yet again on fourth and goal."

Number 9 - Philadelphia Eagles (1-2) 117 Dan Freeman of the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Gazette chimes in, "Dream team, huh?  Yeah, I saw a lot of this during this past N.B.A. season, too."

Number 8 - Cincinnati Bengals (1-2) 186 Stacy Billingsly of the Lexington Post Position pens, "The Bengals in their last 2 games have converted third downs at a rip roaring 9.5% efficiency, causing many Bengals fans to convert which channel is appearing on their television screens."

Number 7 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) 247 Johnathan Lumpkin of the Los Angeles Periodical states, "The good news for the Jaguars, they hired cloud seeders before the game and held Cam Newton to his first sub 400 yard passing game.  The bad news, it looks like Tim Leiweke paid off Jack Del Rio to shelve his own passing game this year."

Number 6 - Seattle Seahawks (1-2) 308 Clark Isner of the Duval County Register proclaims, "Despite defeating the Arizona Cardinals, by virtue of the Jaguars benching Luke McCown, the Seahawks sport the worst starting QB in the NFL.  Yet, remarkably, they remain on pace for their second straight NFC West title."

Number 5 - Indianapolis Colts (0-3) 403 Paul Robisky of the St. Petersburg Senior Ledger confesses, "The Colts come into Tampa Bay looking for Curtis Painter to produce the Sistine Chapel.  Unfortunately for Indianapolis fans, what he produces will more likely resemble a preschooler's finger drawing.  Still you have to admire the fact that on Sunday night they appeared to not want to be in the 'Suck for Luck' sweepstakes."

Number 4 - Minnesota Vikings (0-3) 462 Jennifer Hochuli of the New York Daily Post proclaims, "I haven't seen a disappearing act this good since I saw Criss Angel in Las Vegas.  And somebody's definitely mind-freaking the Vikings coaching staff, especially offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave."

Number 3 - Miami Dolphins (0-3) 510 (1) Hugh Nevins of the Indianapolis Reaction asserts, "If Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano doesn't figure out soon what is wrong with his team, he'll soon be experiencing the Tony Soprano sensation where his season gets cut off mid"

Number 2 - St. Louis Rams (0-3) 583 (3) Lisa Trombetti of the Chicago Moon Times points out, "Things have gotten so bad for the once proud NFL state, that today, Sen. Claire McCaskill (D) introduced a piece of legislation officially requesting the state officially be renamed 'Misery.'"

Number 1 - Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) 645 (61) Rob Stone of the Kansas City Constitution writes, "When can a defending NFL division champ have a moral victory?  When you are this year's version of the Kansas City Chiefs."

D.P. Archives:
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

Posted on: September 15, 2009 6:32 pm
Edited on: September 16, 2009 7:03 am
 

10 Things I learned the week of Sept 15th

Well, week 1 of the NFL season is in the books, with a lot of close games decided in the last two minutes (stupid Bungles costing me a shot at winning week 1 of the pick 'em pool I'm in).  Here is the next weekly installment of 10 things I gleaned from the sports world in general.

1) How 'Bout Them Cowboys?- Well, one week after defeating the Georgia Bulldogs at home, The Oklahoma State Cowboys come out and lay an egg against the Houston Cougars.  What, were they looking ahead to that epic clash against Rice?  Indefensible.  I love Mike Gundy, but whenever a team fails to get up for a game, it falls squarely on his shoulders.  And how about the set of stones on Lee Corso?  He picked this upset on ESPN's College Gameday.  Kirk Herbstreit had to check and make sure the coach was actually picking them to win outright, and not just putting Okie State on upset alert (which it seems Herbstreit had them there as well, just didn't think there was any way they'd lose that game at home without even an opponent to "Look Ahead" to).  The one week dream of challenging for a national title is dead (unless Oklahoma loses one more, Texas would likely have to lose two, and several other things would have to break their way).  I know they're not completely out of it yet, but you can't come out of this game as say Oklahoma did last week losing to BYU on a neutral field.

2) A shot at Todd Blackledge- This is something I never thought I'd do, especially since when it comes to college football colormen, he's probably second only to Gary Danielson in my book, but not knowing a basic rule WHEN YOU'VE PLAYED THE GAME is inexcusable.  I gave him a pass last week for not being able to analyze the situation of everything that had happened after FSU's missed PAT (more on the Noles in a bit), but this I cannot forgive him for.  Come with me to this week's UCLA-Tennessee game which he was calling.  3rd down from their own 1 yard line late in the game up 19-13.  UCLA's quarterback falls asleep in the end zone and dives trying to avoid the safety.  Blackledge starts screaming for a booth review because part of the ball was out past the goal line.  Here's the problem.  THE GOAL LINE IS PART OF THE ENDZONE.  EVERYTHING ALONG THAT PAINTED STRIPE IS IN THE END ZONE.  Whereas you simply have to break the plane to get a TD, to avoid a safety THE ENTIRE BALL MUST BE OUTSIDE THE ENDZONE.  Clearly A LOT of the ball was still in the end zone on that play.  Safety.  I do have to give credit to Blackledge and Nessler for explaining what UCLA would have liked to do in that situation with running as much clock as possible which would have required them getting it to fourth down (although I wouldn't even bother sending the punt team in.  I'd have the QB take the hike from under center and have him run around as much as he could.  You risk snapping it over the punters head [see South Carolina versus Georgia, Southern California versus Ohio State]).  I was kind of hoping Tennessee would win that game so that maybe they would come into the swamp this week with a false sense of confidence and maybe bravado.  But, thanks to Crompton, and his three picks (god I hope he starts this week), that didn't happen.  On a side note, how many safeties were there this week?  I could count four in just the games I watched at least a part of.

3) Tressel logic: p->q=F- I sure wish somebody would explain to me why for somebody with the reputation of being as conservative of a coach as he is gets these quirky moments at the worst times, especially in big games.  I still remember his decision on January 8th, 2007 of after being absolutely blown up on a third and one from his own 29 down 10 and possibly still in the game of going for it on 4th and 1, getting stuffed, and eight plays later it's 34-14 (I still thank him for that, by the way).  Now, come forward to Saturday night.  Late in the first half, up 3, ball again deep in your own territory.  And you're throwing downfield???  His explanation to Holly Rowe was you can never have enough points, especially against USC or something to that effect.  While true, there is a way to go about this (which Pete Carroll, coincidentally, followed to a T to tie it up and almost go in up 14-10).  You don't take your shots downfield there.  You run and use short passes to try to get down to about the 50.  If you don't go anywhere, the clock has very little time on it.  If you get to around the 50, you start thinking FG, and maybe open up intermediate routes and quicken the pace.  Should you get down to the 20-25, then you start thinking TD.  This tried and true method has worked many a time.  Carroll was perfectly happy to try to get off the field only down 3 and regroup in the locker room, but tOSU fell asleep on defense, allowed a run to about midfield, and you all know what happened from there.  Tressel needs to learn to dance with the girl that brought him there, because if you're not good enough to win with talent alone, strange decisions like this will almost never help, and often hurt you instead.  Something similar happened to Charlie Weis at the end of the ND game ...

4) May the Forcier Be With You- Thank you Michigan, from the bottom of my heart!!!  For those of you who followed me last year, you know my opinion of the ND Fighting Irish, or more specifically, their fans.  God, they were getting full of themselves based on what?  Two wins over Hawaii and Nevada?  It all came crashing down this week, and made people like the four letter network's Lou Holtz and Shaun King look ridiculous.  I said after the Hawaii game last year that Notre Dame would go 9-3 this year due to their soft schedule, return to a BCS bowl where they would be completely over matched, and get blown out starting their new 9 game bowl losing streak.  I've seen nothing to change this (altough they may not lose less than 4 games, which would be fine by me).  And to Michigan, I hope this is a sign you are turning things around after last year's debacle.  Your D still needs major work, but Forcier is fun to watch, and will keep you in most games this year.

5) Tough start for the Almost Competitive Conference- Sorry, Bradman, but after watching FSU go into the last minute against Jacksonville State, there is no denying that the ACC is off to a rough start.  The good news is, they were off to a bad start last year, and ended up rebounding and sending 10 teams to bowl games.  You can't lose two and nearly a third game to FCS competition, though.

6) Fake Delhomme strikes again- Suprised John Fox didn't break down into a "Playoffs?" rant after that performance.  Jake is responsible for a whopping ELEVEN turnovers in his last two games, which simply cannot happen in the NFL.  This might be the begining of the end.

7) Is it okay to call Bush a bust now?- Something that will likely get lost in the Saints throttling of the Lions and Brees' SIX touchdown passes (and Stafford's three picks) was what Reggie Bush did.  Or more specifically, what he didn't do.  I have said all along that this guy is playing the wrong position in that same way the Mike Vick was a RB lining up with his hands under the center's butt, Bush is a WR lining up behind the QB.  In a game in which Pierre Thomas didn't play due to injury, Bush had his obligatory 5 receptions for 50 some odd yards, but only achieved 18 yards rushing.  Saints fans will turn a blind eye and say it was because of how effective Mike Bell was running the ball, but, you must remember that you drafted this guy SECOND overall, not in the second round, and are paying him the money as such.  You HAVE to get more production from him than just a receiving threat that once in a blue moon breaks the big play.

8) The Falcons continue the momentum- In my look ahead point last week, I pegged this game for this reason.  It was a huge win by the Falcons to establish forward momentum into this season in the hopes of stringing back to back winning seasons together for the first time in franchise HISTORY.  I'm POed, though, because in my real fantasy league, I have three Falcons on my team (and no Bucs, which is painful for me, but, can't pick with your heart) and ironically started the wrong one (one's Elam, my kicker, so he doesn't count).  Never would have guessed that Tony Gonzalez would out perform Michael Turner, but maybe I should have.  Tony looks to be a HUGE pick up for the dirty birds (and hopefully for me as well).  By the way, in my real league, TE's are optional and are considered a receiver and not their own position, so there was a huge risk/reward factor.  And I won by two, so all in all it wasn't too bad.  Just wouldn't have had to sweat out Nate Kaeding last night.

9) Take this ball and shove it down your bleeping throat, I ain't playin' here no more- Wow!  Talk about two people who have to know the situation and have to handle it WAY better than what they did.  First, the lineswoman cannot make that call in that situation unless it is obvious.  Honestly, Williams was unlikely to come back, but now we'll never know.  And Serena, you CANNOT let your flustrations get the best of you and you ABSOULTELY must handle yourself in a more professional manner.  Come on.  Bad calls happen in every sport.  Lou Pinella may kick some dirt, but I doubt he's out there threatening to shove a baseball down an umpire's throat.  Two wrong's never make a right (although two Wright's did make an airplane), but in this case, Serena's wrong far outweighs that of the lineswoman.  While I'm talking tennis, last week I said I was looking forward to how far Melanie Oudin could go.  Then comes the story on the day after she's ousted that her mom is having an affair with her coach.  Apparently, divorce paperwork was filed by Melanie's dad nearly a year ago, and somehow the story is just now breaking.  I'm glad it didn't break during the tournament, but you do have to question the timing of it.  And way for yet another tennis parent to get in the way of their kid's career.  We should be celebrating Melanie's accomplishment's, not putting her in tabloids.

10) The look ahead- The things I'm looking forward to this week are UF Tennessee (obviously) to see if Monte Kiffin can keep the game within 50 (seriously doubt he can cash the check his kid's mouth wrote), Notre Dame Michigan State to see which team can bounce back, Nebraska Va Tech to see if the Huskers are for real (or if the Hokies potentially aren't), and Texas Tech Texas in a rematch of an absolute classic last year, and in the pros, the Giants and Cowboys to see how many punts hit the scoreboard (and it should be a good game).

Moo, your Mizzou Tigers took nearly the whole game to wake up against Bowling Green.  What was up with that?  Using cyclical logic (which would give us an FCS team winning the title every year) that makes Bowling Green much better than the Fighting Zooks.
Posted on: December 24, 2008 11:20 am
Edited on: January 13, 2009 9:01 pm
 

10 Things I Learned the week of Dec. 22nd

WARNING: No. this isn't going to be like Yo's surgeon general warning, although I can have my moments of wit and humor if you read some of my other work on here.  In fact, this is probably my one serious release.  No, just giving everyone a heads up that for the second time I will be breaking my own cardinal rule about cutting off the week's events on a Monday.  Last night's game between Boise State and TCU was too good to wait until next week to comment on.  And while I'm breaking my cardinal rule, congrats to my Bolts, who played their best game of hockey in a LONG LONG time last night against the Pens.  They were forechecking like it was 2004, and their passing was the crispest I've seen all year, and was usually right on target.  Anyway, here goes.

And so this is Christmas.  And what have I learned?  Another week over.  A new one's just begun.

1) Feeling a little "Horn"y - Wow.  What a game last night.  TCU's defense, despite what the idiots logged into the four letter network were saying for most of the game, singlehandedly won that game for the Horned Frogs, and kept them in it while their offense was doing everything they could to lose it for most of the first half.  Anyway, this game was one of those rare one's that lived up to the expectations, and quite honestly deserved a better date and venue than what they got.  This was a great matchup between two great teams.  Boise State fans, you should still be very proud of what your team accomplished this year, but if you want a reminder as to why tOSU is in the Fiesta Bowl (which I told you a couple weeks ago your venom was improperly directed in the first place), look no further than the stands.  University of Phoenix Stadium will be PACKED.  Trust me, I know.  In 2007, it was about 70% Buckeye fans.

2) A Giant Victory - Speaking of great games, I predicted the SNF game between the Giants and Panthers would be a classic and it did not disappoint. Have to give huge props to the Giants not only being able to come back the way they did in that game, but just absolutely decimating the Panthers run D much the same way the Panthers decimated my Bucs run D a couple weeks ago.  Thank you to Brandon Jacobs for helping me win my autodraft league here on CBS.

3) A "Titan"ic victory - In the same line, congrats to the Tennesse Titans who won a huge game against the Steelers and locked up home field advatage on the AFC side.  I'm still not quite sold that it won't be the Steelers or Ravens coming out of the AFC, but the Titans are a solid team who would represent well here in Tampa in February.

4) The resurrection of the Dirty Birds - Even though Minnesota outplayed the Falcons for pretty much the entire game, the Falcons did what they had to to come away with the W and secure a playoff birth.  What an amazing turnaround this year, a turnaround that should scare the bajesus out of (no, not the rest of the NFC, although they could make some noise, especially if they somehow win the division) the Arkansas Razorbacks.  Yes, you had a huge win over LSU at the end of the year, but your current head coach, that you ousted the better Houston Nutt for (good luck to him in the Cotton Bowl.  See Razorback fans, the COTTON BOWL) was the same head coach who divided and held back this Falcon team last year.  Bobby Petrino sucks, there's just no other way of saying that.

5) A "Bull"ish victory - I haven't been doing too well with my bowl picks so far this year.  2-4 right now, although I'd be doing a lot better if the games would have ended at the 28 minute mark.  I did score 32 points in my bowl pool with the USF Bulls, however.  This team showed flashes of the team they should have been.  One playing in a much better bowl than the St. Pete bowl.  If only they could have cut out some of the turnovers, especially the ones in the red zone.  What a different year this could have been for them.

6) A sinking ship - Boy, it looked for a moment like Navy was going to be up 20-0 at halftime, but one replay (where the correct ruling was clearly made), and all of a sudden, momentum shifted dramatically.  Navy goes on to allow a last minute TD drive, and go into halftime only up 13-7.  Then it was all over from there.  Still you have to be proud of the way this team played this year and has played in recent years.  They've become a perennial bowl team now.

7) So much for my Western Conference dream match - I still want to see Sharks Wings in a seven game series that means a trip to the Stanley Cup finals.  But shortly after I posted last week's edition, Diva's Wings DESTROYED the Sharks 6-0.  Huge win for them, and it pains me ever so to write that.

8) Let's see if anybody whines this year - Well, we arrive to the Christmastime tradition of the NBA on Christmas day, with some pretty good games scheduled.  I'm just more interested to see if some of the players whine about having to play on Christmas day instead of being with their families as some have done in the past (I want to say Shaq).  News Flash!!!!  You make Millions of dollars every year.  Sorry for the minor inconvenience.  Coming from someone who used to regularly have to work Christmas day despite having a 25K a year job, stop crying and work around it.  Usually when that happened, I had Christmas Eve off, so I'd just make that Christmas.  Or, I'd just go see the family when I got off.  If I could make it work, you can!

9) Weekly look ahead - Kind of a light week.  The two NFL games that mean the most (and should be good games) are the Cowboys Eagles and the Panthers Saints.  It kind of sucks knowing if the Bucs win, Philly is eliminated, but the Bucs would need Philly to beat Dallas to make it.  Oh well.  And unfortunately, the only bowl games that looks decent before the Dec. 31st ones are Northwestern and Missouri in the Alamo Bowl (which is a stretch) and Oklahoma State Oregon in the Holiday Bowl on Dec. 30th (which should be a good game)

10) Buccingator's continuing Bowl Predicitions - Let's see if I can start to do better than 2-4.

Hawaii Bowl (which I predicted last week, but will post again) - Hawaii 20 Notre Dame 17

Motor City - Central Michigan 31 Florida Atlantic 10

Meineke Car Care - West Virginia 20 UNC 14

Champs Sports Bowl - FSU 28 Wisconsin 10

Emerald Bowl - Cal 23 Miami 21

Independence Bowl - La Tech 24 Northern Illinois 20

Papa Johns - Rutgers 31 NC State 13

Alamo Bowl - Missouri 38 Northwestern 17

Humanitarian - Maryland 21 Nevada 20

Texas Bowl - Western Michigan 28 Rice 27

Holiday Bowl - Oklahoma State 34 Oregon 27

To all my friends, have a very merry Christmas, and a happy New Year.  See you next week.  I'm thinking about doing a year in review.

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com